i feel like crap and my friend asked me to move in with her next year to an AMAZING room.....it would be a dream come true, just how do i get out of this guilt consuming me home of mine without the guilt consuming me outside of it. i'm sick of coming home and sobbing and seeing things i don't want and don't want to be. i want to be free and explore my mind and strive forever to infinity and never stop. i can't do that here. it's very nice and comfortable and i love my family to DEATH more than anything and i would give up anything for them, as i am doing now, i feel, but can't allow myself to admit of feel since that makes me feel selfish.....but i just can't be who i am and constantly feel this pressure pressue pressure of not good enough of who am i, i am wrong. but not really. at the same time my mom tries to be supportive, sometimes. she just doesn't really know how to be....
and guess what, my mother just came in and asked what's wrong and i said that it doesn't matter, because in order not to trouble her with my crying earlier i hid in my room and called lucas instead and cried to him. and to this she answers "well right, what does it matter, not like i deserve to know what happens in your life or be a part of it. and not like you care that i told you i don't feel well right now enough to come up to me and ask about it" and i couldn't believe my ears. all i did was try to spare her of my shit by hiding in my room and not complaining to her that would lead to a fight, i get her yelling at me and treating me like some sort of selfish bitch....what the hell am i supposed to do. now i feel like i need to go out there and be all sweet to her and ask what's wrong while she gives me that look and probably treats me like shit....ok i am done, i just happened to be updating to i thought i might as well post this shit like a little girl, as my mom would say if she knew i wrote this here. whatever. who the hell cares about anything anyway, life goes ON. that's what i learned nothing matters, moments matter and you have to enjoy them and that is what i intend to do, somehow...at least once i get out of this weird living thing i'm in.
day 5 | 3.4lbs | 44/50
now 149.4 [up .2] :(
i did really good today. got home really late and so i haven't had the chance to eat anything yet and i won't because tomorrow is my big weigh in at the doctor and...as of now with clothes on i probably have not met my goal of under 150, but we will see for sure tomorrow....
i forgot my water bottle so didn't really try hard enough on this one.
salsa yayyyy good salsa day! danced with this dude that i love to dance with TWICE. that was eventful :) and the guy that i haevn't landed on so far all quarter, and found out that i was missing a lot because he was really fun and a great dancer.
here i am.
Daily Self Esteem Challenge 2/2
i tried this new tea called HAIKU. wow did i want to write poetry after that....i know i did other new things that are more...new...but i can't think of any right now.
i was really friendly with EVERYONE today, at least before i got home. extra extra friendly. it was a great first half of the day, as the usual first half goes. sigh.
just got home and my dad made me sob for no reason at all, actually for a reason that i was being nice and offered to help. god i hate my house.
9/10 today not bad!
JULY 28th contrast between my first 28 day plan!!day 5 | 1lb | 40/50
[this morning it definitely FINALLY lowered, although in the day i'm still at 0....]
Food 2/2 [oh man, being out of the house was super. i ate a veggie burger, a veggie skewer and one little egg roll all day! ok some berries too, but hey that's pretty damn good for me. as long as i dont eat before bed]
Water 2/2 [i tried extra hard today and finished the first liter+ in the morning, then drank all afternoon and got it down. this is silly though, there is no use to drink this much water, it's ridiculous! i had to pee every second and i didn't feel thirsty and felt weird drinking it, like torture. oh well, better than fat i guess.... ]
Exercise 2/2 [going to go dance around after updating for 30 minutes]
Daily Self Esteem Challenge 2/2 [going to take a shower and re-do my nails after dancing around.]
total: my first 10/10!!!!